Joel 2:12- "Even now," declares the Lord, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning. Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and He relents from sending calamity." NIV
I haven't been able to post anything in the last week because life became the priority. Last week my Papa went in to the hospital because he couldn't feel his legs and he was REALLY wobbly, unable to walk straight. He didn't want to go because the Tour wasn't over yet AND he hadn't completed his workouts yet for the day. He still had a ride to do!
Loads of tests later, we figured it had to do with nerves getting pinched due to his fused neck (fro a bike crash in 2006 which he broke his neck). A Cat Scan/MRI later, Zane walks in Tuesday from running errands saying "Your mom called". My heart crept into my throat and I knew something was wrong. All I heard was "Your Papa has kidney cancer.". Poor Zane, in that instant moment my heart was ripped, beat up, thrown in front of a diesel truck and run over. I sobbed uncontrollably. I found myself wrapped in my favorite pink quilt in the fetal position in a complete loss, in a huge state of shock.
Honestly, my response was to get angry at my God. It just doesn't seem fair. My Papa is someone so special in my life, that I may never be able to put it into words. What I do know is how my heart feels and how hard this hit me. I couldn't help but think of all the struggles in the last few years my Papa has faced- Prostate Cancer, a broken neck that wouldn't fuse due to the past cancer , so then a neck fusion/recovery, and THEN he finally in 2008 was able to get back to racing. His goal for this 2009 year- Long Course Duathlon Worlds this fall.
I spent Tuesday ANGRY, upset with God, lost and hurt to the deepest core of my being. Wednesday was a day of shock. Planning an extended trip home to just be with my Papa, before his surgery to remove his kidney and whatever else has been attacked by the "C", and taking on workouts with a strength of a million warriors. All I can think about is how my Papa is yelling "Get your a#$ out the door- it is your time, put your head down and do the work. Time to win races, Terra!".
That brings me to Thursday- TODAY. Usual Masters in the AM, and then as I dropped Z off at work as he prayed for me before getting out of the car. On the way home, KLOVE was interviewing a group called SELAH. They talked about the deep grief and challenges that their family had faced. I sat in tears as they sang HOSANNA. The next song was "Unredeemed". There was one key line in there where I bowed my head in forgiveness and praise (I was parked, listening- wanted to hear the whole bit) because I know my God is the ultimate healer and provider. With my head bowed, I let go of my anger as they sang "No matter what, the Lord will restore and redeem. Theses are places were GRACE IS...seen to be so amazing"
Yes, I am sad that my Papa has to yet again face a challenge that seems to the regular eye SO LARGE, but I am NOW seeing it in the EYES OF FAITH. That nothing is too large for my GOD! That Jesus heals and restores. That my Papa, no matter what, is one of the most special people in my life and I am going to be ON MY KNEES.
I am going to be ON MY KNEES for my PAPA because I BELIEVE. The Lord wants you to return to him in WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART. He is gracious, compassionate, and erases all my fears.
I am heading home in a week to be beside a man who has taught me so much about being a fighter, about what it means to be an athlete, and how to go after what you want no matter the circumstances in front of you. I am going to sit with my Papa, train with my Papa (don't worry he is still running on the track 3-4 miles a day and riding his trainer because that is who he is- A WARRIOR!) and on the day of his surgery I will be fasting and praying ON MY KNEES, because I love him so much my heart aches. I will be praying because I believe that the POWER of our Lord is so strong.
I am here.... ON MY KNEES.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
On my knees...
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Today
Lance Armstrong's twitter post the tour today:
STRENGTH DOESN"T COME FROM PHYSICAL CAPACITY, IT COMES FROM AN INDOMITABLE WILL. (Mahatma Gandhi)
John Piper's twitter post from today:
1 Chronicle 17:24-
MAY THE NAME OF JESUS BE ESTABLISHED AND MAGNIFIED FOREVER THROUGH MY LIFE.
Little Swimmer
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
77th Birthday
Yesterday was my Papa's 77th Birthday. Family Celebration at dinner. The usual amazing pot roast, red cabbage, mash potatos, salad. LOVE IT! (especially since I don't know how to cook a roast- I burn pizza in our oven!)
Sitting at the table with my family (though REALLY MISSING ZANE!) I couldn't help but think how much of a blessing it is to be able to share in these moments. You never know how many of these moments you will get so one must soak them in deeply.
London was his usual happy self- telling us about his swim lessons (I get to go watch him in action tomorrow!) and he and I discussing how we can't have cake but all the COOL people get to eat the gluten free chocolate cookies.
It was a special night, but really hard on me knowing that my husband couldn't be there. Zane works so hard for our family and sacrifices a LOT for me to be able to do what I do. He may never understand how grateful I am and how much I love him for that.
77 years old- my Papa said he doesn't want to have any more birthdays. I think he'll be fine because then he gets to move into even better age groups for racing. He said the other day that he joined Powerhouse Gym. That just sounds cool. Nothing like a Papa that pumps a little "Iron".
Monday, June 29, 2009
Velodrome @ Bloomer Park
Went to the races Friday night- it was awesome, but I am definitely not a track rider. HOLY STEEP ENBANKMENTS- WOW! There was a guy in his 70's racing who is a past Olympian from Helsinki (road race). LOVE THAT! Mike Walden Cycling Lives!
Ceridwen Mae and Her Super Mommy
Zeus breaking in the sling
Ceridwen Mae's first facial (spa night with the girls!)Monday, June 22, 2009
RACE PHOTOS
THANK YOU TO ZEPH, ONE OF OUR LUNA PRO TEAM MECHANICS FOR THE PHOTOS. Not only is he an awesome mechanic, but photos and cooking AND SMORE MAKING also are in his skills. CANNOT LEAVE OUT his girlfriend Sarah, who was our official organic chef. Her passion for cooking and organic foods has Zane and I motivated to cook together. She made us Carrot Mac and Cheese post race that was so good I ended up having it cold for breakfast today! We love you guys! Thank you for sharing this adventure with Zane and I.
BE A FIGHTER...
It is the day after Ironman CDA. I tossed and turned all night with a lot on mind. I will be honest and say it wasn't the day I was hoping to have, but out there on the course- cold, cramping and frustrated- I focused on being a fighter. You learn a lot about yourself and what moves you when you are hit head on (or for me in my butt, hamstrings, psoas and hip flexors!) with adversity.
In the end, I am ready to tackle the next step, and what I must focus on- the NEXT RACE. Because this is what I do, this is what I love, and feel called to do. Thanks to a very important email from my friend Mel, I am reminded that it is about the light that shines out of us. That no matter the circumstances, God always receives the Glory and his plan is HIS plan. In him, I lay my trust, my sad heart, and my frustrations. Now time to move on!
Below are the words to a song that hit me this morning- My Savior, My God by Aaron Shust.
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at his right hand
Stands One who is my Savior
I take him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me, this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my Savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange so once did I
Before I met my Savior
My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior's Always there for me
My God he was, My God he is
My God He's always going to be
Thursday, June 18, 2009
A few photos
I stopped my car and hopped out to watch a family of Quail. The babies are so small you can't even see them in this photo. There had to been at least 15 babies! The Mom waited in the middle of the road for the gang to cross the road. There was one guy that was a bit slower than the rest, but she still waited. IT WAS SO CUTE!
BIG RED- all ready to race.
My nightly Contrast Baths- these aid in flushing out the legs and well, it is really relaxing too.
My favorite is the cold plunges. Honestly these make my legs feel AWESOME. I swear by ice baths.
The far dock in the photo is LOADED with SQUAWKING sea gulls. It was so funny, they kept chatting away while I as doing my contrast baths.IT IS GOOD
A friend shared with me this verse today:
PSALM 73:26- My heart and flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
After receiving the verse, I went into Psalm 73 to read the whole thing and also hit by this:
PSALM 73:23-24- Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
PSALM 73:26- But as for me, it is good to be near God.
It is almost time for bed, resting a lot here in CDA, watching the darkness fall over Hayden Lake. I am sitting here though seeing how GOOD it is to be near my God. I am constantly reminded that he is my strength, my shield, my rock.
Thankful and Blessed in CDA. May you each have an amazing weekend overflowing with his strength and glory.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Welcome to CDA!
The Dock's view where I iced my legs today.
A moose in the yard- he is so colorful!
The tricky manual AND automatic. Figured it out though!Thankful in CDA
Sitting here in semi-darkness, trying to stay up, though I am on Austin time. I am parked at a long, sturdy dining room table that overlooks Hayden Lake. The evening light glistens on the ripples of the water and the lush green leaves of the trees are gently blowing. I cannot begin to explain the peace that rides within me. The overwhelming acknowlegdement that I am SO THANKFUL is what truly weighs on me tonight.
I am aware that we do not achieve anything on "our own". There is always a team of people, an ARMY, that gets us to where we are called to be. Today as I had time to reflect and time to tackle a few challenges, I couldn't help but drop to my knees in the grass to just say thank you.
You see, I am not alone in this hunt and desire to be the best professional triathlete I can be. And yes, I realize it is more "typical" to say your thank you's post race. BUT, I feel like there should not be typicals, normals, similars etc when God is involved.
The biggest thank you goes to my husband- my coach, my best friend, my biggest believer and my companion in this walk with God. With my husband at my side, with his love and passion, I know I can achieve the goals I have set. When I am down and struggle, he lifts me up. When I am unable to see the "light" he is there to wipe my eyes clean, to remind me where we are headed and what we desire as a family. Oh, I am so thankful for Zane. Today the rental car was stuck in manual b/c it is a dual- auto/manual. He just listened as I figured it out. Today I called him to just pray for me as I figured out how to get my seat post clamp piece out of my frame. I was calm but needed just the support to solve it. Instantly it came out once I hung up with him as he was praying. Oh I am thankful.
I am thankful for LUNA- for our team, for Gary and our support crew. This sponsorship opportunity has evolved since I signed on in 2005 and I am blessed to be a part of it. It has opened doors for me to race, to have the best equipment in the world, and to learn about the industry. To all my LUNA Family- I am so thankful.
To Jack and Adam's- you guys have been a constant in my life since 2004- when I drove my bike into the carport and ripped my bike into pieces off the rack. There was a bike I could use 2 days later. They have given my husband a stable job in an economy that doesn't seem very bright. They believe in me and I am so thankful.
SUPER JAMES BALENTINE- the mechanic who HAS to work on my bike before EVERY race. Honestly, I cannot say enough about James and my friend/his wife Angie. They are family. James builds my bikes up with a smile, and with love there is never an issue come race day. He is always willing to help and I know the quality of his work is always world-class. Oh I am thankful.
KEVIN- my super massage therapist. He keeps my legs healthy and allows me to chat and laugh the entire massage session. We work together every Wednesday for Track @ UT and also Volleyball in the winter. He is family and I know I can go to him if I need something. Oh I am thankful.
FRIENDS- I cannot begin to list all the friends here that continue to shine and give me energy and love and support. Every time I toe the line, my friends prayer and thoughts lift me up and fuel my fire. They know who they are so I won't list all the names. From Church buddies, to tri buddies, to Master swim buddies, to run buddies, to friends that have nothing to do with triathlon but believe in me as a person. Oh I am thankful for each of you.
WALLY's BIKE SHOP- Mcallen, TX- Our buddy Wally is an impressive dude. His work ethic is so strong and his love for his family even stronger. He moved from Austin to South Texas to help care for his mom, in turn he also opened up a bike shop. I have never seen Wally so happy and strong, as I did at Captex. He is being blessed and I am grateful for his help in getting my SRM Set up prior to this Ironman. My old system was getting "OLD" and an upgrade was needed. He jumped in to make calls.
This leads me to DPC and E. This couple has gone above and beyond friendship. They are mentors to Zane and I and family. They helped get BIG RED set up with the SRM and they have "Cashew Express" for my bike travel needs. However, the most special thing is the notes I get in my race packs. You see, there seems to always be a bag of goodies and a love note on my door step the day before I leave for each race. D and E always seem to find ways to touch my heart and help me focus. The note for CDA this weekend is taped in my race journal. I am reading it every day.
FAMILY- My family. They got me started in this whole triathlon racing. They love me if I am first or if I am last. They helped me grow my faith and sacrificed a lot to get me to where I am today. To go home to Detroit next week is a true blessing and I cannot wait. For my family- I am so thankful.
HOMESTAY- My homestay J.R. and super LINDA and KATHI, I will never be able to express how grateful I am for the open doors and support. You have helped me toe the line with no stress because I have an amazing and relaxing home away from home. This is my first "homestay" that I have EVER done and I can only say that God blessed me with this. I didn't know how I was going to afford hotel, car, food, you name it- I was trying to figure it all out. But most recently, I have found that I have to leave it all at the feet of my Father- I have to let go the worries and know that he ALWAYS provides. And oh YES HE DOES. THANK YOU- EACH OF YOU- for making this happen.
WHITNEY- UT Masters Coach: I have to share that she is someone who believes in me and is honest with me ALWAYS. If I ask her a question or ask her opinion- she will be straight forward and will always share about her experiences as an Olympian. My stroke has evolved and my times have completly jumped a level. I will always be grateful for Whitney. She pushes me and holds me accountable to splits, repeats, efforts, my self-confidence, and my desire to win in all that I do.
I could continue to list out MORE AND MORE THANK YOU'S- but I should go to bed. I just think that PRE RACE, POST RACE, TRAINING, DAY TO DAY LIFE- we HAVE TO CONSIDER ALL THAT WE ARE THANKFUL FOR. Write out a list, share a few thank yous with others, see what comes from recognizing that we toe the line with amazing support all around us.
